Wednesday, March 9, 2011

If you give a baby b!+ch a Barbie...

Happy Birthday Barbie Millicent Roberts!
Apparently (I am totally trusting you on this one, Jen B) today is Barbie's 52nd birthday! So, happy f'n birthday Barbie, this blog's for you! I am sure it has not been easy keeping your anatomically impossibly perfect figure and perfect skin for so many years. You look uncannily similar to the Barbie I first met almost forty years ago. You are a walking (ha, well you can't really walk without my help, can you?) ad for Botox and breast implants and lipo suction and not eating (some of my least favorite things and the reason, despite our past relationship, we can never truly be bff's.) But from one b!+ch to another, you go girl. Super socially responsible!
A few weeks ago my mom brought me one of my childhood you Dolls that she had found in her basement (yes, I had you, yes I loved you, I even had your townhouse where you and Midge and Skipper, my fave, shared a home, hmmmm.) I was particularly surprised to hear where you were unearthed because my parents only moved into that house when I went away to college, again, hmmmm. You can see yourself in the photograph (above left) in the lovely corset that I apparently left you in for most of your adult life. Hope you weren't too uncomfy Barbie (consider it payback for all those years I actually gave a shit that I didn't look like you, who's laughing now!) You actually look 52, which by the way, is older than me, (but still kinda hot, despite the leaves and rust in your hair and dirt on your legs) in that photo.
I heard somewhere once, long ago (you can probably look it up if you actually care) that if you were a real person with those same measurements/proportions to your figure you would be completely unable to stand or walk. No idea if this is true, but I have never been able to shake the image of you trying! :) 
Anyway Ms. Roberts, hope you had a b!+chin' birthday. You have been ruining the self esteem of young girls for years now, but we know you can't help it, you were just made that way! And you have given tons of fun to girls everywhere (including baby dyke me.) And a little piece of me (yeah, we all know which piece) will always adore/hate you and your perfect, plastic, perky parts!


  1. From Donna (thanks)

  2. Ha ha ha ha... YES she is older than me.. that b*&*ch Barbie! OHHH and I just love her kinked out hair... hmmmm wonder what she and Skipper were doing all those years left unsupervised!!!! LOL And I'm sure she's had Botox, boob jobs, tummy tucks and all and probably before 40 (especially if she's from my hood.. and you know what I'm talking about.. I'm surrounded by Barbies!). Now here's a thought.. maybe they will topple over when they try to walk now:)

  3. X discovered her this morning and had been calling her "Mommy's zombie Barbie." I must say he was surprised to hear I played with Barbies.